Ever consider what your history says about you?
In the broader sense, it says everything. But when picked apart into pieces, it paints an incomplete picture. To only view the academic part of my life would show an entirely different me. You'd see the product of Catholic school and higher education, but you'd miss out on the mischievous minx who orders furniture far too wide for her itty bitty stairwell and cracks "that's what she said" jokes.
And while the complete person stands before me, I always fall back on the sum of parts when getting to know someone. Each fact, story and, yes, rumor gets weighed into the balance. Not because I choose this method, but because I can't avoid it. It's all very subconscious.
Once a fact is known - good, bad or ugly - how do we ignore it when it contrasts with the person standing before us?
For example, when a new friend appears nothing shy of caring, how does your opinion change when she tells you she abandoned her dog at the pound because he was too much work? And when your friend complains about her mother's endless degrading comments, does your opinion change when said mother appears supportive and loving in person?
How much do we factor in the bits and pieces to the person standing in our plain view?
What brings this up is the question currently confronting me: How much does an ex say about your love interest?
Not in the "He was always late and unappreciative" sense, or the "Keep your hands off him, you little witch!" sense. But in regards to how you view the man before you, and how what you learn will change that view.
The guy in question is all blue eyes and black hair, all well spoken and charming, all humble good manners and bone dry wit. But he dated her - the French dimwit hobag who couldn't pick out a Camembert from a Gouda.
Not that cheese identification is a requirement, but she is French and her IQ was a few points shy of matching a goldfish. And every chance she got, her cleavage was on display from neck to navel. What she lacked in wit was not made up for in class. These things I knew about her long before I knew anything about him.
So now I see a tiny French figure who oozes cleavage sitting on his left shoulder, announcing inane things such as "Zis is zee boyfriend de moi!" and "Ooh, mon cheri, is dis chemise showing zee boobies for vous?"
I resist the urge to flick her off his shoulder, with force, right in her smarmy imaginary face, so I can see him as he was - as he really is. A man with a past, captivating my interest at present.
Yet try as I may, I can't ignore what I know. Hearing one persuasive fact, it runs all over the image standing before me, smearing what was once a perfect portrait.
And at times in the past, improving a flawed piece of work. There have been guys I wasn't too sure of who got a second chance once I had learned of something favorable in their past - something that spoke to their character. Something that caught my wavering attention.
Even though the real man stands before me, I imagine another man made of the bits and pieces I know about him - French floozie included. The more I find out about his past, the more there is to factor into the equation. But how much is relevant?
Do I hold on to the good bits and discard the bad? Do I weigh them in at all? Or do I file them away for consideration at a later date?
And then I have to consider, what is my past saying about me?
32 Holla Backs:
We men are a stupid breed and easily manipulated by ample cleavage. So I'd cut the guy some slack.
One of the things I love the most about my wife is that she's NOTHING like my ex. Because, well, I'm a wiser man with better taste now.
Perhaps the same is true for your gentleman friend...
Forget the French floozie! Would you want him to be holding up the men in your past for scrutiny to decide if he wants to persue you?
I confess I take a certain pride in the fact that I am friendly (eventually) with my exes. All but one, and it's a major exception. He was quite the diabolical doozie, and how I got tangled up with him is a long story. One I'm thankful I NEVER have to tell again. Don't be too hard on your new friend- just wade in slowly with your eyes and ears open :o)
Worry not, Hunter and Eva, this guy is very much in the door! This post is more about the thought process of getting to know a person... Something I do all the time without considering how I do it.
Hunter, I love your logic!
I agree with Hunter's notion that sometimes tastes can change for the better. I would cut him some slack for choosing someone good this time around. Of course, that's doesn't necessarily remove the image of the French Ho that's glued on his shoulder. I often find myself trapped in similar thinking patterns.
I'm going to get all metaphysical on you and say this: At this very moment, every other moment that ever existed lead up to this precise moment in time, so how could it not be an extraordinary moment. Everyone has a past, but all that really matters is who he is, now standing in front of you. There are limits of course (criminality, a history violence) but if those things aren't part of his past, then why not give it a go.- G (Jeeez, do you know how long it has been since I last dispensed dating advice? I feel old now. I need to go have a nap.)
That's a toughie, isn't it?
I have dated a couple guys who have been with other gals (before AND after) that make me think, "How in the flaming piss did I fit in there?"
Whether she's real or fictitious, I hope the French tart's boobs end up down to her knees someday.
You crack me up! I have never really thought about it that way before. You sass-a-frass always open my eyes to see things differently. Hum.... I'll have to now scope out pics of Mr. Fix It's ex's. I know I am wayyyyyyyyyyyy better of a catch than the Hobag prior - that's why I got the big diamond! he he he
I don't take any past relationships into account. We all needed the bad boy, the jock, the older man, the artist and guys need their female counterparts. The sum of the parts equals a whole person and the boobies and gouda just got him closer to you.
Jesus, no ... You can't evaluate a person on the type of people they've dated previously. If everyone thought the way you did I would be in the biggest load of shit. You should evaluate someone on how well they treat you. Do they make you feel respected and worthwhile? I think those are the most important qualities when choosing a mate.
And what are we saying about them?
Most of the truths?
You have a nice Thanksgiving!
Secretia
People change...a good friend of ours went through a phase like this too and ended up marrying the most amazing, brilliant woman. One French cleave-revealer does not a man make. And blue eyed/black haired Man needed this road to get to you.
File them away for future consideration. She has cleavage, men are powerless to cleavage. Their base instincts kick in and their brain function goes south...literally. Don't be too hard on him because of it.
By the way, you are an amazing writer!
We all make choices we later don't understand. Unless you have to avoid your moral or ethics to get by it, take it all with a grain of salt.
Very interesting point although i think sometimes your past relationships hopefully are about shaping you to get better at that stuff. I know there were boyfriend i hurt in the past and I hope i have learnt from it.
Kate x
If you eliminate every man who has a brainless hottie somewhere in his past, what's left is really not appealing.
Equally intriguing is whether or not you'd like to be judged by every man you dated in the past. I know I wouldn't. But I learned about what I didn't like so I could find what I did.
I am completely with you on this one..as in I have a hard time letting go of someone's past because I see it as a big red flag.. infact, the last guy I dated had a few red flags in the past that I just couldn't get past so I broke up with him. But since the break up I have realized that I am not going to focus too much on the past and look at the man that is standing in front of me today..
One thing I recently learned is to trust my instincts. So when you can't get past something that you found out or see now, it is probably something your gut is telling you and you should at least beware that it makes you uncomfortable.
Plus, in my opinion, it say a lot about a mans character if he can date a dumbass just because she has a nice rack and an accent.
Just sayin.
Haven't we all chosen some right tulips in our day? I wouldn't hold it against him. Thats as long as there are not another three identi-ninnies where she came from?
Once is a mistake, more is a habit. Run.
Clearly he had a lapse in judgement aka boner. Obviously he has realized the er of his ways and has transfixed himself on a hottie far more superior... YOU!
Thought provoking post!
Just discovered your blog, and now am a happy follower... keep up the great writing.
I'm not sure I really get this. I mean, if you are interested in him, what does it matter what his old girlfriend was like? Isn't it more important who he is now?
Writing this post was more a way to initiate a discussion than a way for me to decide what to do. The decision was already made long ago - I judge a person on their actions.
While so many of you have said we can't judge a person on their past, think about it - doesn't what you learn about a person's past have the potential to influence the light you see them in? That's the question I'm raising here.
So the French floozie is an intriguing yet tiny fact in all that I know about this guy - she's not a deciding factor.
OMG....I know EXACTLY what you mean. I found a picture of a girl my BF lived with, and let's just say we're exact opposites as far as "types" go (she was very attractive, but in a trashy, MTV Beach House sort of way).
My opinion (even though I know it's easy to say from the outside) is not to judge your man too harshly from his previous choices. Lord knows I'VE made poor dating choices, and I'd be upset and hurt if someone held them over my head.
(I have to remind myself of that once in a while)
I have to say- its better than the alternative.... all the girls my fiance dated before me were blonde with glasses... just like me. Creeps me out a bit. From what I hear, personality wise I'm much different than the others.
ha haa. shit. you hit the ball right on the head with this one.
It's true your past and the people that surround you say a lot about you as a person... but the trick to happiness is not really caring what people deduce from that. Only care what YOU think!
If this is another piece of a troubling puzzle, trust that instinct. If this is an abberation, than consider yourself blessed that you met him at just the right moment. My husband and I would have HATED each other in high school.
Oh God! If I was judged by my ex's I'd be a sad, sad shadow of the Savage that I am....
Happy Turkey Day!
You bring up such interesting points, especially about all the factors that come into play when we make opinions of people and things, but also how, even when someone becomes our boyfriend/girlfriend, we can still have the tendency (and natural interest) in their past. The past IS the past, but doesn't it say something about the person in front of you in the present?
We all learn from our pasts and build on them - that's a great thing about life!
Go with your gut and remember everyone has an occasional lapse in judgment.
I think we all have pockets of bad judgment in our past...that could just be one of his. In most cases, guys bang anything that moves and may or may not look at the total package later. But I feel you...completely valid question you ask and sadly...there really is no suitable answer.
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