So, I'm a titch judgmental...
Titch: n., a word used to give a false impression that something is exceedingly less than reality. Examples: "I'm just a titch over my ideal weight" and "My penis is a titch smaller than Ron Jeremy's."
The current subject falling victim to my judgmental eye is my downstairs neighbor. We all know her. She double-hiccups through sex - or quickies, at least.
Since the first post about our hiccupping honey, I've heard them at it again. This time, nary a hiccup traveled through the walls. Sadly, silence was not her chosen alternative. When my downstairs neighbor wants to fake it, she commits to said fakery with all the creativity of an ant.
Imagine the exact same high-pitched "uhn" over and over and over again, at precisely spaced intervals.
Very much like when an annoying auntie grunts in exasperation over having missed a sale at Big Lots - but set to the rhythm of some rather unsatisfying and unvaried humping.
"Uhn..uhn..uhn..uhn..uhn..uhn" for about fifteen minutes.
Or it could've been longer. I came into it mid-uhn when my dog woke me with the someone-is-about-to-kill-you-mama bark. The downstairs faker wasn't able to come, but she was able to make my dog think a murder was underway.
How do I know she was faking?
Well, I don't. It's a suspicion.
I suspect that good sex doesn't skip like a scratched CD. I suspect good sex doesn't involve an unchanging rhythm for anywhere near 15 minutes. I suspect good sex doesn't elicit honest-to-god uhn's over and over and over. Because when those things happen, change position people!
But then that's just me - a girl who hasn't had to fake it yet.
So here's to rooting on the hiccuper's boy toy who just arrived - may he finally get it right! Oh, and before we cheer him on too excitedly, let me introduce you to the rhythmic genius. He doesn't ride in to our apartment building on a white horse... or even his own car. She has to pick him up. And in the morning, she has to drive him home.
No, we're not in college.
No, we don't live in a city or an area with good public transport.
Yes, cars are necessary here.
Yes, his rides of shame are all to provide mediocre sex to a faker.
And yes, that's why I can't help but be a judgmental bitch. Because if sex has a soundtrack, my neighbor's copy skips a lot... and I have to listen to it.
33 Holla Backs:
Maybe you could leave her a... gift. That would save her some gas money and the increasing loss of dignity caused by faking it with her wheel-free man.
If by "gift" you mean vibrator, they're too pricey for a random act of kindness. I'll be buying one myself before she gets one!
She sounds like the kick drum to a drum and bass soundtrack. I'd shout a rave whistle st her every once and a while. Just to keep her honest.
That's what I was thinking, but honestly even a cucumber might give her a clue.
It's funny I always wonder what the neighbors think of us. But I'm sure it's more like "I'll have some of what she's havin'!" kinda thing LOL
Haha...this is priceless!!! If only walls could talk...this would be i'm sure their interpretation on the act. Poor girl...she can't even pick-up a good lay :)-
Maybe she has him munchin' on her while she watches TV!?
There's a scene from "The Secret of My Success" with Michael J. Fox where he starts conducting the neighbors' noisy sex like a symphony. I tried to find the clip for you but alas, I was thwarted by technology.
But, you know, maybe you could use her "uhn"s to keep the beat for something.
Oh sad. you should hit the wall and see if you could get it to stop skipping. Heh. ;)
I used to have neighbors that were very regular. They would start at 3pm and at 3:02 you'd hear the small squeal of achievement (?). Every day. My roommates and I often commented that while she might not long sex sessions, at least she gets them often.
Ha ha, we used to have that neighbour upstairs. When we came home after too many drinkies we used to cheer her on. Loudly. I think they started going to his place.
I think you should leave her a note that begins with "Dear Faker" and ends with "A Concerned Citizen." I don't care what you put between those lines as long as the chic figures out how to at least please herself or find a boy with at least a BMX.
It really sounds like a bad sitcom somehow! Can't last forever.
Oh man, bad sex is the biggest downer there is on this planet...nothing in this world worse than that! If a man can't last that long, he better be creative. And no, I don't expect him to do all the leg work, I want to take the driver's seat too, but by gawd if I do all the work and get nothing in return there is no future to be had. Sex is such an important area in my relationships, but not the most important of course.
And faking? I've had to do it once, to just stop the bad sex. And I was evil enough to look at him 15 minutes later and tell him it was a fake....because I'm sorry if he is going to believe that epic fail was a win he won't learn anything about tending to a lady. Faking it only makes it worse. Picking him up and taking him home...good gawd why does she bother?!
poor girl. I mean seriously poor girl. that must suck!
If not a toy how about a catalogue. Or a Santana cd...better soundtrack for sure...his sultry tones...well...
Sounds like bad porn to me. The really cheap stuff I used to buy that they screwed up at the studio and had to redub because they lost the master copy... oh yeah... good times. Too bad you don't have a mute button like I did.
My neighbor's def don't have this problem... if anything they keep the good times rolling and I have to hear it all.the.time. One of these days I will see them in the hall and tell them to stop rubbing my face in their amazing sex... or I'll tell them thanks for the soundtrack.. ;)
I about pee'd my pants reading this. You tell her Sassy Sexistia!
I used to have a roommate who had LOTS of lady friends and I would always judge them too. Once or twice there was a faker and it was so obvious! But seriously, I would totally leave her a note saying to fake quieter or do it right!
Are you sure they aren't watching women's tennis with the volume turned up?
Lot's of rythmic "uhs" going on there.
If it appears to be that obvious, I wonder how the guy can be so oblivious to it. He's going to have quite a surprise when they break up and he moves on to a different partner.
Ugh. That's really all I have to say. Other than Uhn...Uhn...Uhn...Uhn...
Oh, and your neighbor and the "ba ba ba ba ba" coworker should be locked in a closet together.
Lol! Just be glad you don't live next to MY former neighbors, big ole rednecks and Alabama Crimson Tide fanatics ... their headboard slapped my wall ... and I hear increasingly frantic groans ... followed by a keening cry of, "TOUCHDOWN!!!"
Nope. Not kidding. Not in the slightest. I've had some good sex that lasted 15 minutes, but truly GREAT sex takes hours!
Je have an award por vous.
It seems like they could mix it up a little and make it good for both of them... I mean if she's importing him, she wants something right? not a night of faking...sorry you have to listen to it...
Now you've really got me wondering whether she's faking it. I wonder if she'd consent to having a seismometer attached to her cha-cha?
You should record it and then put it in one of those holiday cards that let you record sound and send it to them for the Holidays.
Love for the holidays.
I am so sorry for you that you have to listen to that. I think I would go crazy.
Your building needs better insulation! ;) That rhythmic 'uhn' would be so irritating. I wonder how he stands it. Or maybe he just doesn't care as long as he gets off himself in the end. Hmm. Food for thought, I guess.
"Because if sex has a soundtrack, my neighbor's copy skips a lot... and I have to listen to it."
LoL..!
You are one crazy woman..!
Try wiping the door with a clean, dry cloth moving from the center towards the edges.
Maybe then it'll stop skipping.
Oh that sounds like a blast!!!
Um, yes....definitely a faker. I know my kind.
KIDDING!
hahaha...this is the worst potential porn of all time. I cracked up at VL's Santana soundtrack. I am sure any soundtrack would be better. Earplugs? That might help.
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