A Sextionary, Compliments of Mr. Condescending

Oh how I love reading One Sassy Girls blog, don't you? I have almost 220 blogs in my reader, and it's sometimes difficult for me to add more, but if it's full of excitement like hers, I'll read the shit out of it! In fact, she's such a cool cat that I offered to trade posts with her and she accepted, so here I am in this hot piece of sass, and it's sizzling baby.

Recently, a comment of mine mentioned a Turkish snowcone and OSG was befuddled, perplexed, and curious as to what the heck a Turkish snowcone was. Well, the Turkish snowcone really isn't anything spectacular, but it is part of a legendary set of precise sexual maneuvers that only the classiest of individuals should ever attempt.

 You may have heard of the dirty sanchez, the pearl necklace or the cleveland steamer, but I bet you've never heard of the cincinnati bowtie, the flaming amazon, or taking a ride on the glass bottom boat. I will clue you in on some of these techniques that will range in difficulty, courage, and prowess.

Let's start with the basics...

"The Stranger"

This is the easiest move, a man just sits on his hand until numb, then wacks off, feeling like someone else is doing it.

From here you can try a turkish snowcone, where the man cups his hands around his wiener while ejaculating and it bubbles up through the fingers, like a snowcone.

If you are gay, I would suggest a lucky pierre, a rusty trombone, or an eiffel tower.(I'll leave these descriptions for you to google).

For hetero couples, maybe try spicing up your love life with a bulldozer (doing it doggystyle, then knocking her hands away and moving around while she plows into tables and things on the floor), or The Rodeo (where you call out another girls name while she's on top, and try to hang on).

If you are on a beach, you could attempt a Breaded Cutlet or a Screaming Seagull. These involve the man dipping his penis in sand and thrusting in,, causing a shriek, and then blowing it over her body and rolling her around, resembling a breaded cutlet.

As far as a finishing move, an easy one would be The Spiderman, you just blow it into your hand, then mimic spideys websling, firing off a stream of sperm at her noggin.

If the man has enough courage, he could even attempt the time honored "Angry Pirate" (Whilst receiving head, quickly pull out and shoot the sperm into her left eye, followed by a swift kick to her shin, then step away and you will see a one eyed, angry, peg legged  pirate coming after you). A simpler version, which involves quickly gagging her so that the sperm shoots out of her nose would entitle you to accomplishing "The Angry Dragon".


Now if this post seems rather sexist, and not giving the woman enough showtime, please consider these incredible maneuvers...

"The Donald Trump"

Ladies, let the jerk come on your body, then get up close, grab a handful, give him a combover with it, point and tell him "you're fired."

Or finish him off with...

"The Code of Silence"

After he comes, quickly take the condom off, stuff it in his mouth, and whisper to him that if he ever tells a soul that he fucked you,  you'll kill him."

-----------------
PS: now take the condom out of your mouth, comment, then go see Sass' drunken poetry at So Many Losers