Yesterday's post elicited a lot of commiseration on the subject of the standstills we encounter when flirting with strangers.
A lot of commiseration... and one suggestion that I appear desperate.
It was very well meant and I welcome all comments, even if they portray me as, umm... (ahem) desperate. And I thank that blogger - not for opening my eyes, as I know I'm not desperate - but for inspiring my next topic.
Desperate women: myth or misnomer?
Notice how the choices both negate their actual existence? Read on...
Hearing someone suggest that I may be "on the hunt" and appear desperate to the opposite sex warrants some investigation. So, I reread the post, scanning for signs of desperation, thinking that since I wrote it in the moment, any desperation I had in real life would surely be evident in the post.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see any.
And to be honest, anyone who knows me will vouch that if you're waiting around to see some desperate sass, you'd better settle on in and turn to the first page of War and Peace cause it's going to be a while.
What about a girl wanting the guy who's been sending smiles her way to come over and say hi is desperate? What about approaching a guy, as I've done in the past, is desperate?
And to the heart of the matter - what is a desperate woman?
In all honesty, I've never known one.
None of my friends are desperate. None are willing to compromise their standards to secure a man in their life. None are so preoccupied with finding a man that they have little attention for anything else.
When we're out and about in the world, we're all laughter and recanting funny stories. We're far too interested in what the other is saying to scour the surrounding crowd for potentials. We're living life and enjoying it... not a desperate moment wasted.
Yet we want that special someone nonetheless. But it doesn't preoccupy our lives. We are not desperate women.
And I'll offer up that very few desperate women exist... if any.
I've seen them depicted on TV and in movies, standing in a club, barely paying attention to what their equally lonely and pathetic friend is saying, scanning the crowd for Mr. Perfect... but I've never seen one in real life.
I'm bothered by the labeling of single women as desperate. And I'm especially bothered by other women using this prejudice. Because really, what about the pursuit of a happy life is desperate? And who better than a fellow woman to understand that?
Granted, I have characterized "those girls" in previous posts. The ones who have their babies named, before they've even gotten engaged. The ones who tear out pictures of wedding dresses and store them away for their some-day wedding. I have little in common with those girls - in that I'm looking for a) love and b) to get laid with a far distant c) get married and make babies. Then there's the more appealing d) meet dream man, travel the world and skip an overpriced wedding before getting knocked up when too many martinis challenge the efficacy of my birth control.
While I label them as "those girls" I don't label them as desperate. They know what they want and are engaged in getting it.
Excuses for living a passive life are plenty, and these girls aren't making any excuses. To me, there's nothing desperate about that.
I'm all for living a good life and waiting for good things to come to me. And that's what I do. I have a challenging, high-stakes career, incredible friends and am happy with my life every day. I just happen to blog about all these things while I wait for more good things to come.
So if a woman sits in a coffee shop and sees an attractive man looking her way, does wanting him to say hello make her desperate?
And if she makes the first move by approaching that man, does that make her desperate?
Or does blogging about it make her desperate?
Tell me, what honest-to-god desperate woman have you known? Tell me all about her, for I suspect she'd be a fearsome sight to behold... or maybe just someone painted with the wrong label.
22 Holla Backs:
What I got out of your post is that perhaps you -- and others, like me -- are tired of your personal strength feeling like a responsibility to carry everything in these situations.
So for what it's worth, *I* heard no desperation.
I think I'm the cause of this discussion. Sweetie I didn't want to make such a fuss about it. I don't think you're desperate nor you're on a haunt. I just said that it might look like that and not in the eyes of women but in men's eyes but maybe I shouldn't have said that. The thing is, we don't know how we really appear to men and believe me they put labels more than we can even imagine. I didn't say that there is something wrong in approaching men, you asked for an advice and I said that maybe if you play shy and play with them a bit - that might give different results and maybe positive ones.
Miss C - No fuss, just a transition in topic to something I've thought about many times before. The perception of single women is something I think about often, as I am one.
True, your comment was inspiration, but in my eyes that's a good thing. I welcome ALL comments, as I said, and am glad you said what you said. I understand how it was meant, it just got me thinking along the lines of this post.
Thanks for taking part in the discussion. I'm sorry if this post made you think I'd taken offense or was targeted at you. That was not and never will be my intention.
I have known one woman who I truly thought was desperate. Her "biological clock" was ticking, LOUDLY, and she refused to have the baby without the husband. She was desperately looking to marry someone, ANYONE, and she eventually did.
I can't stand him, and I honestly don't think she can either. But she got her baby. So, whatever.
I didn't find your post desperate at all. I think there is a weird epidemic of lazy men in our country. I hear and understand the guys commenting that they've done all the work for so long, risked rejection, blah blah blah. And maybe that's true for them. But there are a lot of lazy men out there who just EXPECT the woman to make all the moves.
And I truly believe that sets up a horrible dynamic in a relationship. I for one want a man who wants ME enough to take that step of making the first move, and who is man enough to do risk it.
I agree...don't really know any desperate women. And I would hardly classify you as one. But who can control men's perceptions? Half of them are screwed up anyway! lol
I hate this whole 'men see us as' bullshit - surely we're all individuals and judge eachother as such? As a woman I dont look at all other women as having the same outlook on life as I do and I know men dont either.
And no there is NOTHING desperate about wanting to speak to a stranger that catches the eye - whatever your sex.
And please promise me that a smart, beautiful, ridiculously intelligent woman like you is not going to be bothered by any imagined 'what they might think of me'whimpy gutless NONSENSE??
Per-lease!
I agree with you totally. The fact that someone is just looking for love does not at all make them desperate. I would love more than anything to meet a man and have a wonderful, loving relationship. Top of my list. But half the time *I'm* the one not paying attention because I'm too busy being a dork with my friends. I figure the guy that wants to know me will think to himself, "That girl over there, the one being a dork, she's one I want to know." At least that's what my hope is. Because I'm not likely to change who I am anytime soon. :)
I think wanting something passive to turn into something active is far from desperate. You saw someone who appealed to you and wanted him to take action, like you often do. That's very reasonable. If it was any and every man, and if you were there because you knew he'd be there and you were hoping for a "chance" encounter, and if you were getting way ahead of yourself, I could see calling it desperate, but that certainly doesn't apply to your situation. I think that sometimes writing about something has a magnifying glass effect and makes it seem like we're far more wrapped up in something than we actually are. I know the fact that you wrote about wanting men to approach you doesn't mean it's all consuming in your life.
You're by far NOT desperate. All the desperate people I've known (both male and female) have usually been in a relationship, whether right or wrong for them, and are too afraid to truly live life; in turn making them desperate for what they need, but don't have the courage to pursue or patience to find.
I've seen many women who were desperate to have a leak. I usually stand guard while they go behind a bush.
You're only desperate if you wallow and wait for something to happen, which doesn't sound like your game, Sass ^_^ The great thing about eye candy is that it's everywhere for us to enjoy as much or as little as we'd like... no calories XD
You are not desperate. Sassy, genuine, intelligent and desperate don't usually mix. Desperate women are those who are not complete without men, the ones who will compromise their character in order to "secure" a boyfriend or husband, like it's some business arrangement. I don't know any of these women personally, but that's still my definition. Which makes me wonder if pop culture has something to do with the "desperate" label.
I don't think your desperate Sass! But one thing I will say in response to this:
"So if a woman sits in a coffee shop and sees an attractive man looking her way, does wanting him to say hello make her desperate?"
It is the 21st century! Don't wait (as you've already said you don't) to be swept off your feet!
Great post.
Hannah, that is precisely my point!! The concept of a desperate woman may be more public perception - cultivated by various media - than reality.
Surely some desperate women exist, but I suspect/hope they are few and far between. Fabulous point, as always my dear.
Damnit! *you're not your....grrr...my lack of sleep is starting to show.
I was going to say I'd never approach a man with poor grammar, but since you corrected it I suppose you're still "in".
Close call, mysterg, close call...
And I would never approach a woman who would approach a man with poor grammar so we'll call it even!
I think maybe the way some women label other women as "desperate" is more of a projection of their own fears about being alone than it is about the woman in question.
Having said that, I only know one truly desperate woman, and I don't see her as such because of anything having to do with a man, or lack thereof really. She's just desperate in her attempt to not seem desperate. Does that make sense?
You're a woman, vigorous, sexy, and full of Life.
I dont think anything that a man or woman does is desperate, unless they are doing it from fear. I have found that the women who have the worst track records with men........who find the same kind of guy over and over and end in a train wreck are women who are so afraid to be alone they take anything. That to me is the only desperation out there.
Being confident in yourself and having a good life is essential however to finding the right man. If you cant take care of yourself, you dont know how to really take care and love anyone else. That doesnt mean you have it all together, just that you know what you want. When I was out there dating... (just a few yrs ago) I found men loved older women alot, which was great for me cuz Im one now lol.
But what they told me spoke volumes. I asked them why they loved older women........they told me older women dont play games, they know what they want and go after it. Its confidence in you and your life that counts.......thats what will drawn the right guys to you. After all you want one who can keep up with you right? :)
I'd say lying about being pregnant in order to keep a man is pretty desperate ... so is purposefully getting pregnant for that reason.
Some women would rather sit on the sidelines and wait for tributes from men who pursue them. I always go after men I want, in a low-key way. I'm not hurting for male companionship, either. Don't get me wrong, I don't stalk. It's just that I have no problems making the first move.
Most men are flattered, so far, anyway.
Preach on sister! Loved this post!
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