I'm a people person.
Granted, I don't actually like people. Or most of them.
Most people initiate an unending ticker tape of "really? is that what you're going to say? oh sweet Jesus this is going to get awkward" beneath my view of them. Not unlike the headlines scrolling under the CNN news anchors, the underlying message is usually a trainwreck.
But the good ones, the precious few who are truly fabulous souls, make it all worth while. And basking in their glow is why I am a people person.
So while I like some but not all, I still enjoy giving new people a shot. Sometimes, they impress the hell out of me.
In the past, I've always been someone to invite the newbie over. If I meet someone new to the area, I love sharing them with my friends. Not unlike show and tell, I point and say "Look what I found!" and my friends ooh and awe while the newcomer stands awkwardly by. And then we drink wine and sing Coom By Ya and never look back - friends to the end.
I love bringing new people into the inner circle, making their transition from foreigner to friend easy. Who of us hasn't been in their shoes? Standing on the outside, looking in at the fun everyone else is having? We all want to be at the table overflowing with warm laughter.
But how do we get there?
There are times in life when you find yourself utterly alone. For those of us who are brave enough to move to an area not previously stocked with ready-friends, we've got to find a way into an inner circle.
I've been confronted with this dilemma more than a time or two. The downside is it's a struggle. The upside is you get to start anew. Bad reps and blunders get left behind. Mistakes are removed from hanging over your head.
Currently, I'm just starting out. My future inner circle has yet to be identified, but I'm not complaining. I've had dinner invites and friendly run-ins about town, so the pieces of my new puzzle are falling into place quite nicely. But it got me to thinking, how does this happen for others? And does it not happen for some?
My coworker has been here for a couple years and remains friendless. I've been here two months and already out friend her. How does that happen? Is it a lack of a wingman to get her out of the house? Is it all chocked up to missed opportunities and bad luck? Or does she just not know how to make friends?
If you've been the newest man about town, how did you find your way into a life where everyone knows your name?
27 Holla Backs:
I'm the type of person who doesn't really want any friends. I've lived in Houston over four years and don't have a single girlfriend. Not one. And I am very, very comfortable with that.
I prefer the silence.
But if I were looking for a friend or two, I would hit the library. Trust me, there are tons of smart and strange and interesting and scary people at the library.
Im definitely not a people person, so its funny to think I have a wide range of groups of friends (not bragging, its just true). But ironically they all stemmed from one source - my jobs. Every job I have had has lead me to my current friends, whether I worked with them, met them through someone I worked with, or at the bar my co workers and I went to for happy hour.
I am a people person as well. I think just having people skills, the ability to read people and the room is huge. If someone can't really do that then it is a big turn off to some people and they have a more challenging time finding an inner circle of friends.
I'm very similar to you in that respect - I'm not a people person and generally dislike most people, but those who make the grade make me happy and I would bend over backwards and forwards for them. When I moved to Texas I didn't know one person there, but I was also starting law school, so I knew there would be a lot of others around in the same position - oddly enough, some of my best friends I made in Texas weren't in school with me, but I met lounging by the pool at my apartment complex, eavesdropping until I heard something I could chime in about - one girl happened to be from Chicago. A bond was created and the whole group became my group.
Then when I moved back to Chicago, since I didn't keep in touch with anyone really from high school, I had to start over again and slowly but surely, have managed to build my inner circle to a good, but manageable number. I have two types of friends though - friends (of which I have dozens) and reciprocal friends (of which I have about 4).
It usually takes awhile...at least when it comes to female friends. I most often fit right in with the guys which only makes my breaking through the bitch tape that much harder.
At times I've been told that my quietness around women labels me a Biotch. I like to watch and guage my surroundings. I've been burned way to much. So maybe I sabbotage myself when it comes to gal pals...damn, you're making me all introspective....
Great post though :O)
I make appointment friendships. If I find somebody I like, I try to do something weekly...working out, coffee, etc so I can get to know the person naturally, over time.
Otherwise, getting together seems like a blind date...too much pressure.
I'm a writer, and I'm fairly gregarious (I know, two opposites), but it's easy for me to make friends. It wasn't always that way, being more of one of the guys most of my life. But one way I've found to make new friends when I go to a new place is to join a writers' group -- and now bloggers' groups. They tend to be in their computers a lot and enjoy the opportunity to get out once in awhile with a friend and discuss writing stuff, which inevitably leads to personal stuff, which inevitably leads to friendship over time.
Just found your blog...looking forward to reading your archives.
I'm not a people person. I wish I was, but I'm just not. I don't know if it's because I am anti-social in nature or I just haven't met a lot of people who share similar interests/values/etc.
One holdup, I believe, is that most of the mothers I know can't think/talk about anything but their kids, or the problems of being a mother, etc. Sorry, but when I get together with friends, the last thing I want is to focus on the kids. I love them, but, hey, I'm still a human being here. Just because I had a few kids doesn't mean I planned on giving up my identity, too.
But, hey, I could use some friend-making tips. The few friends I have are awesome, but, still, I haven't quite figured out the skill. I'm probably more like your co-worker.
I am a people whore. I have an inner circle of friends but it took a good 24 mos from the time I moved to be jumped in completely. Now it is like we never existed separately. I also have tons of fringe friends I met through work, volleyball league and volunteering.
I'm more like your co-worker. I don't really have any friends. If you find out why we are like that, please let me know why. ;)
I gotta be honest. I'm still working on it.
The Southerners and I haven't quite figured each other out yet.
Pissing sweet tea...
I'm a cyclical socializer. It's interesting to come across your (very, very pretty) blog today, actually. I was just thinking earlier that my circle of friends was rapidly contracting, and through the process of not liking any of the ideas I was coming up with for rectifying the situation I was surprised to learn that right now I don't want to rectify the situation. I'm going to take a couple of years and just be as completely selfish as possible with my time. Then, when I'm completely and utterly sick of my own company, I'm sure I'll explode out from under my rock in a frenzy of befriending.
I think it has a lot to do with being really - and not in the 'I need people to hang with' way - interested in people. Call it curiosity, I'm not sure. I do believe that those who fit in fastest, find friends easily are those who really genuinely want to know about the people they come across. You cant fake that.
I lived for a while in a place where I only spoke the language to a limited extent (at least initially). If I can make friends in that environment I can make em anywhere.
I stalk people until they become my friends. I see no reason why people wouldn't want to be friends with me. So I walk over to them and say, "Mind if I join you." And from then onwards it's pretty much a struggle to get rid of me.
Bring them Food. It's the universal currency. Home-baked, high-calorie cookies and cake. Works as a conversation starter every time.
Secretia
On second thoughts crap ignore what I wrote and follow Secretia's advise. :)
I don't have many friends.
Correction: If it wasn't for my wife's friends, I wouldn't have any.
I blame working from home.
I'm a 'people who don't like people' person. This limits my potential friends, but I like it that way.
I bring in the newbies as well, but not into my inner circle. Into the random, disconnected amalgamation of people that only have me in common, also known as my friends.
I've had inner circles in the past, but they were often dependent on location, or school, or relationships. When you break hearts, inner circles break around you. This has happened more times than I like to think about.
For now, I'm pretty happy with calling 50 people to come out on the night I have off...seeing who shows up, and which random people will end up friends outside of my influence.
In short, I'm ill equipped to answer this question. But I do think that finding a circle usually starts with finding one close friend who draws you in.
We moved away from all my friends almost 8 years ago. I still chat via email with some, and talk with less. No real friends to hang out with around here. Not yet. Not ever, as far as I'm concerned. Then again, I just don't care. I don't need to go out to have a good time; I can stay home, put the kids to bed, and stay up late in the comfort of my pajamas and my couch. That's all the friend I need. My wife disagrees, but I'm fine the way I am.
-Joshua
Some people just suck at making new friends... myself included. 99% of my close friends are the ones I've had since elementary/middle/high school. So clearly I was much cooler back in the day. But whatever, I love them. :)
Judging from your writings, you sound very cool with a somewhat magnetic personality.
I have no doubts about you making friends.
Darlin' some people will make friends no matter where they are. I bet you are one of those people.
I put on my 'I've Got No Friends' baseball cap and hang around on street corners looking vulnerable.
It's never worked, obviously
When I first moved to ATL, it was teeming with people our age. It was a combination of social events, work events, and the co-ed sports teams I played on that made the intro to such a huge city much much easier. With your personality and signature Sass, you will be leading that brigade soon.
I get it, but fuck. I miss you.
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