Shitty Piece of Sass

This morning, I laid around in bed imagining tonight's post. It would detail lofty visions of a cozy, singleton's apartment, all retro tiled bathrooms and gleaming hardwood floors. In a few short hours, I'd be out of the shitbox I'd been in and into my new place. My how sweet life is!

That was before the move.

Here is my day:

8:05 am - arrive to motor vehicle division to discover I have virtually none of the documents they need to register my car.

8:06 am - rebound from verge of irritation and give up on car, deciding to move to fun new apartment!

9:00ish am - arrive to super cute apartment and snap photos of it blissfully empty, a canvas waiting for me to paint, rooms waiting for me to christen.

12:00 pm - after cleaning former craphole residence, I make a swift exit with all remaining belongings and one cute puppy dog in toe.

12:03 pm - cute puppy dog whines as we pass the park.

12:04 pm - always a sucker for cute puppy dogs, I flip a U-turn and take her to the park despite the freezing rain. My decision to suck it up and walk her is vetoed within 2 minutes of being outside. Result: puppy dog is less cute and more the color of mud and I am a popsicle.

12:30 - 3:00 pm - unpack by shuffling things about randomly.

3:05 pm - realize nothing has been accomplished and decide to take a shower in my new ultra fab retro bathroom. Turn on faucet and... nothing. Nada. Zilch. Try all faucets and get same result. Call landlord and leave message, then stare at phone. Watched pots never boil, so I opted to walk the dog around the block instead.

3:15 pm : dog rolls in shit. We're talking a pile of shit with a dog rolling in it, who happens to be my dog. I couldn't even process the horror. I began to head for "home" and realize we have NO water. So, kept walking in hopes the rain washed the shit off. It didn't.

5:00 pm: waiting for landlord with a shit-covered dog. Decided to inflate air bed as I haven't moved my "real" bed up yet. Unroll air bed and attach pump. Switch pump on... nothing. Nada. Zilch. Deciding this is, in fact, okay, I pack the fucker up and head to Target.

5:30 pm: get call from landlord saying he checked and the water's just fine! I grow suspect.

6:00 pm: return to find water is fine - hooray!! Decide to shower but gotta pee first. After flushing, something goes clunk and the toilet doesn't refill. And the shower begins to spit drizzle. Realize the apartment is rather frosty. Check radiators and, yep, they're ice cold. Call landlord, leave message, and wrap scarf around neck.

6:15 pm: inflate air bed. Stop fully functional pump and instantly hear a dreaded hissssssssssss. Decide to pull out my crash cart of tape and fix it. Result: hssssssssssss.

So I returned to Target and got yet another air bed, which hasn't gone hsssssssssss yet. When I came back, the water was working. I remain skeptical. The heat isn't working yet and the toilet only flushes if I reach in a pull the chain.

One word: yuck.

Oh, and I washed the shit off my dog.

So here I sit, semi-fresh smelling dog beside me in my brand new apartment on air bed #3. And I want to ask you, is it just me? Or does everyone have days like this?